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Peter Simple IV

Affairs of state bother us often, and they even intrude into the mind of such worthies as that grand old man, Peter Simple. These two columns, the fourth in our series attempting to introduce you to the most brilliant columnist who ever was, deal with precisely such subjects: one foreign, and one domestic. The first was written in 2002, as Paddy Ashdown, the former leader of the Liberal Democrats (ennobled as Baron Ashdown of Norton-sub-Hamdon) was appointed to the post of ‘High Representative for Bosnia and Herzegovina’, a sort-of viceroyship created by the United Nations to keep an eye on wayward Balkan peoples. In ‘Glory’, Mr. Simple reflects upon the prospect. Reprinted below that is another example of ‘What the Papers Say’, in which, speaking through the editorial pages of the Feudal Times and Reactionary Herald, Peter Simple implores us to take a serious look at House of Lords reform. As per usual, his proposals are right on target.

Glory

THEY say that Paddy Ashdown, the great Liberal leader, is to be given high office in Bosnia, as governor, no less. It will not be long, we monarchists all hope, before he is offered the crown and ascends the throne of Bosnia as King Paddy the First. The last king of Bosnia, Steven VII Tomasevic, surrendered to the Turks and was beheaded in 1463. But times have changed, and this should not necessarily be a precedent.

Approached by a joint delegation of the Serb, Croat and Muslim communities, he will at first pretend to put the crown aside, then yield to their urgent pleas. How glorious, when in Sarajevo, at a ceremony with specially devised ecumenical rites (Catholic, Greek Orthodox, Muslim, Methodist, agnostic, humanist, Salvation Army), the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Kofi Annan himself, places the crown on his head.

Loud the people’s acclamations, loud the pealing organs and massed choirs with all the bells of Sarajevo ringing out as leaders of the three communities swear allegiance! Later, he inspects a guard of honour of the happily named Nato Dissuasion Force, then tours the city.

His piercing blue eyes, screwed up with almost intolerable sincerity, scan the remotest forests and reactionary mountains for signs of emerging liberalism. Peasants in their picturesque costumes have trooped in from the countryside, bearing traditional gifts: ornamental daggers, pots of honey, embroidered shawls, clotted cream and new-laid eggs.

Folk songs mingle with the strains of “He’s A Jolly Good Fellow”, “Follow The Van” and (an allusion to the new monarch’s Irish ancestry) “If You’re Irish, Come Into The Parlour”. Helicopter gunships and squadrons of fighter aircraft fly past as the King chats easily to his people. They laugh heartily at well-chosen anecdotes of his time as Liberal leader. Distant explosions mark pockets of resistance, to be mopped up by the Bosnian army. He orders the search for “war criminals” – slab-faced Mladic and tousle-headed Karadzic – to be intensified.

As night falls, dense fumes of slivovitz hang over the sleeping city. A sound of massed snoring comes from the Royal Palace, where King Paddy sits at ease, regaling his courtiers with extracts from his Liberal party conference speeches and statements of liberal ideals: the need for dialogue and for a determined but carefully considered step forward into the future.

April 5, 2002

What the Papers Say

In a thoughtful leader, the Feudal Times and Reactionary Herald discusses reform of the House of Lords: “Since the arbitrary and unlawful expulsion of most hereditary peers from the Lords, those of our readers who lost their seats, as well as those few who retain them, may be inclined to regard any further suggestions for ‘reform’ with indifference and contempt.

“Debates on this subject both in the Lords itself and in the Commons may indeed have exhibited a level of inanity unusual even for those sadly degenerate bodies. Yet their very persistence in ignoring the real issues should only strengthen our own determination to confront them.

“In a recent debate, some speakers favoured an Upper House entirely elected; some an Upper House entirely appointed; some a mixture of elected and appointed members. Others, typical adherents of the foaming radical and contumelious schoolteacher tendency, wanted to abolish the Upper House altogether.

“Not one single speaker in either house suggested that the best measure of ‘reform’ would be to scrap the present hybrid assembly, including those chimerical figures, the so-called ‘life peers’, and, by retaining the remaining 92 peers and bringing back the 600 so outrageously expelled, restore the House of Lords which existed so satisfactorily for hundreds of years.

“We believe that a firm, uncompromising assertion of the hereditary principle would not only dispose of further futile argument but would be greeted with relief and enthusiasm by the still sound majority of English people, who, we dare aver, remain true in their hearts to the old beliefs which made our country great, and our Parliament the wonder and envy of the world.”

January 24, 2003
Published at 6:17 pm on Saturday 16 December 2006. Categories: Peter Simple.
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